Hang On! There's Something I Gotta Do First...

Condoms really are funny things aren’t they? They’re controversial little buggers too! The Roman Catholic Church has spent a fortune trying to convince the people of Africa of the fact that they are utterly useless in both preventing AIDS and the birth of more children to feed, clothe and nurture. In Dundee, condoms are seen as a massive social issue. There is of course no religious influence upon this belief. It’s just that in Dundee if you smell an intense perfume of rubber it usually means your car is being stolen.

A few years back, the government released an advertising campaign which showed an evening of romance developing from a wee grope in a taxi to getting down to it in an unspecified domicile. The tagline; when is the right time to put on a condom? A mixed message when, at the same time, they were doling out £250 cheques for couples who produced anything amounting to a litter.

The true answer to that question of course is probably never. Nothing kills the buzz like desperately trying to open the wrapper with your one free hand, the aroma of spermicide filling the air, capping your penis so it looks like some kind of circus snake and then making sweet love to a plastic bag. Then, when it’s all over you brazenly tug it off before casually slugging it across the room as it slaps against the side of the bin. Who says romance is dead?

Our friends in Dundee again provide us with one possible remedy to this problem. There are more than enough references made to people shagging up on the Law Hill using crisp packets as contraception to ensure it is not a fallacy. They’ve overcome the need to remove anything from its packaging, the negative nausea of the spermicide and the issue of disposal; once you’re done, post-coital crisps! The added bonus for Dundonians too is that even Quavers packets are okay for the job as to have a penis in Dundee that ONLY smells of cheese is something of an achievement.

There are of course downsides to this method. For one thing, making love to a crisp packet can only amount to the depths of pain for the lucky Dundonian’s significant other. However, help is at hand thanks to that other wonderful ideological perpetuation by the Roman Catholic Church; a woman’s complete and utter subservience to her man.

But on a serious note, it seems crazy to me that advertisements such as these are being aimed at kids but we continue to serve up the message that sexual intercourse is dangerous and best avoided. In the science museum in Amsterdam, there is an exhibit of the various yogic sexual positions one can indulge which is proudly aimed at ten year olds. At a similar facility in Aberdeen, a man called John sits with his cock out on the steps castigating would be entrants and proclaims that ‘creation required only one element!’. Guess which city has the highest incidence of sexual injury and disease?

The British government and spokespeople for the collective consciousness of parents (Daily Mail and The Sun) refuse to acknowledge this of course. It seems that, in the face of irrefutable evidence supporting the values of a liberal attitude towards sex, the unflinching belief that our children need to be frightened off prevails.

Perhaps it is a coincidence but recently our government has started an advertising campaign warning children about the dangers of crisps.