Government In The Brown for Taxing eBay Users...

Judy Sills and her husband Tommy must’ve been highly perturbed the other day when their peculiar hobby made it onto the front page of a respected and lauded (by itself of course) tabloid newspaper. It seems the Sills have become Britain’s first ‘eBay Millionaires’ much to the chagrin of the benefits office and the taxman – both of whom have endured at least two years of radio silence and mixed messages from our entrepreneurial heroes. Now however, it looks like things could be getting messy.

Gordon Brown, so often a man to hop on the electioneering bandwagon of short-sighted public opinion, responded immediately to the news by signalling his intention to act erratically. His plan is to implement a specific taxation stream for items sold on eBay. At the time of print, an x-ray of geriatric cerebral atrophy will set you back £3.12 and the new measures would see this rise to £3.28.

The news has met with choral approval from one John Yeats (47) from Arbroath, whose child Jay-Zee (listed as a prank by his sister Lil’ Kim) was unwittingly bought for around £27.50 through the website by his dim wife Adidas:

‘Thon doft shite seen the bairn oan eBay an’ it wiz jist a pishtake ken? Bit thon dauf coo puanicked an’ pyed oot! Bit aye, we hivenna pyed tuax oan onythin in aboot fower year ken? She’d no hae been such a twuat if she’d kent she wiz pittin onythin’ tae thae snooty Engilsh buastarts in th’ tuax oaffis ken?’

Further research into Mr. Smith’s case revealed, through a wall of lexical confusion, that his wife had indeed been stupid enough to purchase her own child. What a twat!

Confused and rambling musings on Brown’s reforms came from one Sara Craw (28); an unemployable sexual predator from Dundee who did not wish to be named…shit:

‘Ah fuckin’ luve Cosh In The Ottic ken? Bit if abody’s sellin’ their shite oan eBay than there’ll be nae shite left in thur ottics! Ye cannae ca’ it cosh in the fuppin ottic if thurs shite all in the ottic! Mind ma man’s right intae his eBay tae an’ it’s pying fir ma fuppin waidin’ in Vegas ken? MAW!... DA’!... SHUT THE FUP UP THROO THERE YE PAIR O’ DICKS! AM OAN THE FUPPIN NEWS KEN?’

Miss Craw’s outlandish and predictably slurred outpourings of course raised a very important point. In this age of economic strife, moral degradation and shotgun weddings in Vegas, does eBay represent the last untouched vestige of freedom and catharsis form an oppressive state; the last bastion of placation in a society on the verge of explosion?

Most people buying and selling on eBay live out a harmless hermit’s existence. Their use of eBay allows them an outlet for the kind of eccentricity that things like employment and sanity keep under control in others. Surely then, eBay is a harmless and helpful tool?

The Sills for their part achieved almost magnate status as retailers in seconded concert tickets. Mr. Sills, who suffers from congenital deafness, has no idea what ‘Californication’ sounds like (or what it is) but is a huge fan of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers for setting him on his way to financial nirvana:

‘Jude and I are shit-feared o’ the ootside world really. We live oot oor days indoors and only communicate with the ootside world when Tesco deliver the messages. I mean shit me (chuckles to himself) when our Joanne was born I delivered her myself using an auld towel and an adjustable spanner… I got £4.50 for that spanner on eBay. It was a beautiful moment’.

Mr. Sills admitted his worries about eBay taxation, retrospective taxation of his wealth, benefit reappraisal and the fragility of Joanne’s arranged marriage to her cousin Wendell:

‘Ach she’s got a puss that looks like a deid dug that yin. We all know that wee gobshite’s only after the money but naebody else’ll take ‘er. If that goes, we’re bloody stuck with THAT in the hoose for the rest of oor days’

A government spokesperson was literially caked in their own piss when asked for comment:

‘Haw fuck youz ye cunts! Get yer fuckin’ hands aff ma wife or ah’ll fuckin’ smash yer heid in ye set o’ pricks!

Although we’d clearly dialled the wrong number and it was later proved that the respondent in fact had no wife, the message was clear. If you attempt to fuck with the government, they’ll fuck you right up…

(Names, ages and locations in this article have been utilised purely for the satisfaction of its author).