In the week that Richard Dawkins mooted the arrest and probably the execution of Pope Benedict XVI, does anyone now find it somewhat alarming that the United Kingdom is presently burdened under a static plague of volcanic ash?
‘No… Too Jewish!...’ I hear you say…
Perhaps it is, but in these days of irreligious headlines like ‘Anarchic Kids Knife Blind Priest’ (Daily Telegraph), ‘Blind Priest Defending Orphaned Puppies Killed by Immigrants’ (Daily Mail) and ‘Massive Tits!’ (The Sun), do increasing incidences of superbugs (Daily Mail), immigrant crime (Daily Mail), teenage anarchy (Daily Mail) and ‘Leaking Plastic Tits!’ (The Sun) suggest a need to re-evaluate whether we’ve backed the right horse God-wise?
Many people would argue that we should get in with God whilst we still have the chance. As allies go, he’s second only to the Chinese in terms of power and resources. However, Tony Blair did of course employ God as a consultant on the war on/in/with Iraq and he was ultimately guided down some pretty dark avenues.
I’m personally not much of a gambler but even I know that the likelihood of God lining my own path to Heaven with gold is pretty slim. Therefore, I like the odds attached to a life of secular agnosticism. If he drops by for a cup of Hong Kong’s finest tea (aka the world’s worst) and some judgement of course, I’ll rue omnipotence and my lack of haste in removing this post from the web.
For now though, I’m pretty willing to give Dawkins idea some cautious backing. Having lived of late in a society where the mobile phone is God and its contract His commandment, I’d be intrigued to see what the consequences of Papal imprisonment might be.
Although our media are persistent in approaching the RC Church for their view on even the slightest of social quandaries as they arise, something tells me that there will be no anti-cartoonist style euphoria directed at the sentencing official and that incidences of leaking breast implants will increase no further than present risk estimation would suggest.
However, just to be on the safe side, I thought it was important to research which prison would be best suited to Papal porridge in case we need him to put a good word in should God protest our treatment of His man on the ground.
For food, nothing can beat Peterhead prison which is located in a town famous for landing most of the fish (that hasn’t been ‘stolen’ by the Spanish of course) in the North Sea. However, the prison is also famous for its population of paedophiles who are something of a societal subset that he may be looking to distance himself from...
Peterhead is out…
A little further down the road, he may find Craiginches prison in Aberdeen a little more accommodating. This prison is famously despised amongst locals for possessing more PlayStation’s than the homes of most of those it incarcerates and for its wonderful penthouse cityscape views. However, in his advancing asthmatic years I’d imagine he’d want something a little less archaic; Craiginches is dustier than the Queen’s cludge.
Craiginches is out…
But to be brutally honest, if the Pope was to be sent down he’d probably end up in Goodfellas style prison with only the finest foods served to him in the company of the great and good of the convicted Catholic community. “Hey! Cawdinal Moyfy! Don’ you go puttin’ too much towmaytos in de sawce see!” he’d insist. The only drawback of course being that his cocaine-addled wife would have to survive on the outside with no money from Big Paulie until he’s released.
“He’s what?.... Oh great!... Nothing to lose!...”
So go for it Richard Dawkins you mad bastard. If anything, it would act as a barometer on the reactionary state of our wonderfully skewed society. And if all else fails, the rest of us can blame everything from the impending demise of the global aeronautical industry to the leakiest of bursting boobies squarely on you!
謝謝
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