Ever Drank An Alcoholic Drink? You're Probably Dead & You Don't Even Realise...

 

 

19:30 Alcoholics Anonymous, Kowloon Branch

"Hello, my... my name is... Gavin (cue smatterings of applause) and I haven't had a drink in two months (cue generous applause). It's a hard road but I feel I'm getting there"

 

Great men have been utterly destroyed by alcohol. It's a little known fact that Louis Armstrong would become so irritable under the influence that he would dance himself upside down. How people would laugh at "ol' Satchmo'' dancing. In fact, the laughter never abated even as he was being wheeled back to his apartment to begin a gruelling soul-crushing five day period of rehabilitation in an attempt to right himself prior to his next performance. As Neil Elderweiss, a fictitious contributor, redundantly explains:

"How people would laugh at "ol' Satchmo'' dancing. In fact, the laughter never abae... abated - what kinda made up shi' is this - even as he was being wheeled back to his apartment to begin a gruelling soul-crushing five day period of rehabilitation - ngah... college boy huh?... - in an attempt to right himself prior to his next performance".

 

Regardless of whether Mr. Elderweiss was bleeding profusely from his premolars as he was interviewed, the overwhelming evidence of this one made-up incident speaks for itself. Babies, mortgage lenders, presbyterians, the Belgians, Morgan Freeman and even British athletic sensation Chris Akabusi, none of you are safe! Alcohol will kill us all!

What, I hear you ask, do I have against alcohol and what has it ever done to me? Well you might be surprised to hear that I don't drink alcoholic drinks. Drinking alcoholic drinks for me is like standing on a pier where in fact there is no pier. What you thought was a pier is actually your wardrobe and you've just pissed in your own wardrobe. The harbour master is gonna be well pissed with you.

And the thing is, what you thought was a pier but is not a pier but is actually your wardrobe is not actually your wardrobe. It's the wardrobe of mildly successful Australian soap opera star Dan Paris, he died from horses and now here you are pissing in his wardrobe. It's people like you who make me sick. As Dan himself explains:

''I died from horses and it's people like you who make him sick''.

 

When a man dies from horses he has to ask himself one question. 'Did I die of horses because I was carelessly inebriated on the job? Will I ever work again and can I attribute answers in the 'no' camp to dying of horses or to years of appalling storylines typecasting me as an unuseable joke?'. If we're being truthful Dan that's actually two questions and nobody likes a greedy guts. But perhaps famed 1940's socialite Eva Braun can help us:

 

"The person you are calling is dead. If you are a Buddhist, please call again later".

 

And there you have it! Everyone knows it's statistically and factually impossible for people from the 1940' to be dead. Thanks to drinking alcohol, they are too drunk to realise this or to appreciate that when a man dies of horses you don't drown your sorrows and then go pissing with reckless abandon in his wardrobe.

22:00 Non-Alcoholics Anonymous Hotline Transcript.

"Hello, my... my name is... Gavin (cue a flurry of office noise - someone actually called!) and I'm addicted to Alcohol Free lager. I'm drinking it right now and I'm standing on a pier. I'm a little confused... I can hear a loud Australian accent... It's really loud'.

...