The panda is probably the most irrepressibly suicidal animal on the planet. I cannot think off hand (and outside of my myopic anti-panda agenda) of another animal quite so intent on wiping its own species from the face of the Earth.
The newborn panda is functionally useless – a fucking idiot. It takes a panda roughly six weeks to bother to open its eyes and can take up to eighteen months before it begins stumbling towards self-dependence. All this can be something of a nightmare when panda-maw has all the maternal instincts and energy of Rosemary West on ketamine.
For those ‘fortunate’ pandas who miraculously survive their mothers unintentional predilection towards infanticide, adulthood offers nothing in the way of a reprieve. For the panda has evolved into two things – an omnivorous lazy bastard.
‘Where’s the fucking bamboo?’ I hear it ask. ‘Over there?’ it returns exasperated. ‘But I sit here not over there’ it reasons. ‘I guess I’ll just have to fucking DIE then!’ it offers unreasonably before keeling over to complete a cruel but deserved self-fulfilling prophecy.
For those pandas fortunate enough to have registered their fat lazy arse in an area of ASDA Superstore-like bamboo leaf abundance, the opportunity to have sex is likely to present itself. Unfortunately, most pandas have no idea how to indulge in the old game. In Chengdu here in China, panda conservationists have resorted to showing the pandas pornography in order to encourage them to have sex. Even after that, they still don't seem that arsed. Maybe its because they know that centuries of in-breeding means they might well be doing their cousin and find that... frankly... a bit weird.
In case your wondering – panda porn, not human…
So the panda goes quite far out of its way to make the survival of its ruthlessly localised in-bred species highly unlikely. In fact, probably the only animal more stupid and hell bent on destroying itself is… Morrissey.
Recently, prior to performing his track ‘Meat Is Murder’ Morrissey chided the recent mass slaughter in Norway as being nothing compared to the brutal impact of industrial farming on the bun-bound animals required by fast food outlets KFC and MacDonalds.
Now, in the unlikely event anyone actually reads this I should point out that this is only my opinion but in making this statement Morrissey achieves nothing more than sounding like an exceptional prick. Sorry mate you might have a point to make about the cruelty of mass farming but even the worlds worst PR man (i.e. anyone who would advise clients to go on Celebrity Bargain Hunt or Celebrity Racist Bingo starring John Macrirrick With His Nipples Out) would advise not to do it before the bodies of the dead in a disaster that happened LAST WEEK have even been fully accounted for.
Perhaps Morrissey will wake up this morning and think ‘I could murder a soy-bean daiquiri. Maybe he’ll think of having a bean burger. Either way, I hope he’ll not be a self-gratifying twat and spare a thought for the millions of animals, insects and birds whose habitats have been wiped out by incessant human demand for farmable land. For vast swathes of Argentina’s vibrant natural heartlands are being savaged annually to meet the global demand for soybean products. Mountainous piles of unwanted mushrooms are sent to landfill as by-products of tofu production. For anyone who gives a shit about human cost and isn’t a prick, there’s also a fairly high human cosy also.
So as Morrissey tucks into his soybean daiquiri I hope he spares a thought for the countless species that surrendered to the inevitable and died out so land could be cleared to meet his angelic dietary preferences; then I hope he applies the alcoholic confidence afforded by his ill-gotten beverage and apologises for his insensitivity.
P.S. This is not an anti-vegetarian rant. I’m essentially vegetarian now because I know the quality of meat where I live is beyond appalling. However, I at least recognise the effects of my dietary choices…
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