2010 has been a year of surprises which have rocked us to the core. It was the year we revelled in the reunion of John Nettles and his estranged son Sting. It was also the year I developed a tendency to brutally murder – cockroaches – and the Pope appeared to endorse the use of condoms by homosexuals as they “aren’t technically human anyway”. Oh wait, that one’s actually true. Anyway, it’s hard to believe that it’s almost time for the whole Gregorian farce to roll out again! So let’s stop and pre-empt the big surprises of 2011.
Possibly the most radical shift in the English language will come about in the early months of 2011 as, courtesy of a live phone in poll mix-up, the nation votes unanimously to exchange the use of the words ‘our’ and ‘fucking’. Fox UK will use its blanket coverage of the nation’s broadcast media to share Dame Judi Dench’s foul-mouthed ‘our’ outburst that ‘Fucking our stupid population brings us closer and closer to the seemingly terminal goal of intellectual extinction. The outraged nation will be flambéed to the core.
The nation will be scalded to the core by David Cameron’s new ‘shoot to kill’ policy on the unemployed. Having initially stated that no such measures will be forthcoming, Mr. Cameron will attempt to assuage his critics by outlining the social and economic necessity of such measures. Mr. Cameron, speaking whilst dropping two slugs into a now-deceased gymslip council estate parasite’s head, will be heard to remark: “Fucking people will just have to learn to accept living in fucking difficult times” whilst foaming from the mouth.
Arguably the most raping to the core moment of 2011 will be the revelation that Nick Clegg, apparent turncoat and superfluous nipple of the Conservative Party, is in fact grizzled suspected Thatcher-killer Michael Heseltine. Heseltine, who had last been seen taking potshots at the abandoned puppies of children orphaned by landmine victims with diseases, will revel publicly in his genial decision to infiltrate “Ashdown’s shower of socialist alcoholics” and his seemingly genial ability to harvest the votes of “fucking gormless students”.
Saturday evenings will be terrorist bombed to the core in 2011 as the National Lottery Live is ruthlessly replaced by Fox’s Rational Pottery Wives. Stunned viewers will have to rely on the internet for news of a rebate on their hope-tax as Fox-BBC delves into Maureen’s Pottery Barn. Viewers will become surprisingly entranced by its struggle to balance the books through streamlined clay production and the implementation of charitable schemes for children mutilated by newly incumbent Head of State, Emperor Heseltine. Viewers will subsequently vote Maureen’s catchphrase “It were all downhill after Driving School” as the most instantly recognizable between the hours of 8 and 8.15pm on Saturday June 18th 2011.
The Wikileaks scandal will continue to petrol-bomb the nation to its core as it is revealed that the entire economy is being artificially inflated by the tears of war widows. Dark Lord Cameron will be forced into the humiliating concession on Keith Chegwin’s Naked Angle and will outline plans to wage war with every nation possessing greater military resources than Britain; Italy will be invited to engage too so they don’t feel left out.
Finally, as is traditional, we take a look forward at those who will come back from the dead this year. This follows on from our out-of-left-field prediction from 2006 that John Darwin would park up his canoe and claim to be mad as cat’s piss instead of dead. This year, it will be the turn of renowned former theme-park owner Michael Jackson to return from the murky depths of his ‘final’ resting place in the less familiar guise of his alter-ego Janet Jackson. ‘Janet’, who hasn’t performed publicly in donkeys ages recently announced a tour kicking off in Hong Kong in mid-2011.
You heard it here first… And as you would expect it’s all bollocks
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